Seven Novelty Credit Cards We'd Like to See.
A while back we ran an article about novelty credit cards and how they use gimmicks to lure you into spending more money so you can get some free junk. All of these cards are designed so you think you are being loyal to your favorite brands and make you feel like you belong to an exclusive club. Now, there's nothing wrong with wanting to fit and be part of a club but sadly most of these cards don't offer any really cool rewards for your blind loyalty.
What you need is a card that rewards you with genuine cool stuff. Stuff that will improve your quality of life. Stuff that will increase your social standing. Stuff that will make you a better person. You need stuff that can only be offered by these cards that don't exist.
1. The Playboy Credit Card.
Can you think of a better way to express your manly virility than flashing this definitive piece of macho plastic? Owning the Playboy credit card will instantly boost your self-confidence and bring you one step closer to the lifestyles of the rich and famous. The card has been developed by a crack team of scientist bunnies, located in a secret lab deep beneath the grotto. They have impregnated each card with a top secret pheromone that is guaranteed to make you irresistible to the opposite sex. When you are not too busy fighting off the ladies with a large stick you might want to check out some of the amazing rewards offered by this card. Each dollar spent will earn you points to spend on Playboy merchandise, and any time you charge little blue pills to the card you receive double points. When you cash in your points you can choose obligatory items such as smoking jackets, pipes and racy underwear for your new found harem. Big time spenders might want to save their points though and put them towards a weekend at the mansion and a chance to meet Hugh himself.
2. The Facebook Credit Card
If you haven't heard of Facebook then you probably live in a cave and don't even own a computer, so you won't be reading this. Just in case you do own a computer and have honestly never heard of it, Facebook is a website that allows people who don't really like each other to become really really really close “friends”. The fun doesn't end there though! You can send your “friends” meaningless images also known as “gifts”, constantly invite them to use applications that “enhance” the Facebook experience, and best of all you can use the “poke” function which is still baffling people as to its point. So what could a Facebook credit card offer you? Earn points you can spend “gifts”, they charge a dollar for those crappy images normally. For every dollar you spend the less often you will be notified that someone has written on your “Funwall” or “Superwall”. People who qualify for this card will also receive an instructional DVD that explains the true definition of what constitutes a friend and a guide to how much private and personal information you are sharing with the whole world.
3. Lost: The Credit Card
If you’re a fan of the hit plane crash on a tropical island sci-fi / fantasy TV show you might want to make this card a constant in your life. Your Lost credit card bill will be delivered every 108 minutes by a polar bear. It comes enveloped in black smoke and you need to enter a string of numbers to open it. Just as you think you have worked out the monthly balance a whole new slew of mysterious charges appear, that will leave you scratching your head. The Lost credit card will feature one of the most extensive rewards programs available. You will also be granted access to the exclusive Dharma Initiative SuperMart. Here you can do your weekly grocery shopping online and receive all your food in generic Dharma packaging: including 15 year old crackers and beer that's maybe even older than Rocky II. The points you earn on the card can be used on everything from aspirin, for the mind cramps the show gives you, to the ultimate fanboy wet dream, owning one of Kate's sweaty T-Shirts. You could also use your points to get answers to what the hell is going on. With only two seasons left and a promise that everything is going to be wrapped up nicely, it might be a good idea to save the points for that replica Black Rock in a bottle.
4. The Hemp Credit Card.
One of the problems with credit cards is that they expire. When they expire, normally they are cut-up and end up in landfill. The hemp card could be the world's first biodegradable credit card. Hemp, being one of nature’s most useful plants, can be used to make plastics that are 100% biodegradable and would have a lesser impact on the environment. Of course, a card like this would need a complimentary rewards program that can cope with the many green hypocrisies you face. Drivers of oversized SUV's can feel good about polluting the atmosphere by using the card to buy a carbon offset. Celebrities could earn travel miles for every green product they buy or double miles for every product they endorse. For us normal folk some of the smaller rewards could be discount Birkenstocks and a free Grateful Dead tie-dye T-Shirt.
5. The Sporting Rewards Credit Card.
Just about every team in every sport in the world seems to have their own credit card these days. What better way to support your favorite multi-million dollar sports corporation than racking up debt so you can get enough points to get that free crappy shot glass? What you hardcore sports fans need is a sports based card that rewards you for sitting on your backside all day long. Every time you order the big game on pay-per-view not only do you earn points, you receive a free tube of Preparation-H cream. Of course no big game would be complete without a few brewskis and some snacks. Carrying a big balance on this card is going to keep you in a good unhealthy supply of cheesy poofs and microwave popcorn. Now, you might be thinking the ultimate reward would be free or cheap game tickets not with this card. Saving up those points will net you a state of the art La-Z-Boy armchair with a custom built groove just for your butt.
6. The Beer Credit Card
Magical beer! Is there any other substance, known to man, that can instantly make you more intelligent, more attractive and more classy? Show your love for beer by applying for the beer credit card. This revolutionary new card requires the owner to also have a small RFID chip planted in their arm. The implanted chip detects the distance between you and the card and monitors your blood alcohol content. If the chip determines you are drinking and the card leaves the specified range of the RFID sensor, it is presumed the card is lost. At this point the chances are you are very inebriated and unable to form a sentence. As you are being tossed out on to the street, the bar staff can run a scanner across your arm that will automatically pay your bar bill plus add a 50% gratuity for their inconvenience. Whenever the arm scanner is used a taxi will be automatically called to drag you home and charge you $200 minimum to get you home. This marvel of modern science is its own reward but it also comes with an inflated sense of self-confidence.
7. Hair Miles Reward Card.
Ladies! Do you like to travel? Do you enjoy a visit to the salon to get your permanent touched up? Hair Miles reward card is the first reward card that rewards today's modern jet-setting businesswoman for using her travel reward card. Each time you use your travel miles you receive points towards maintenance of your lush bouffant. Today's modern styles require a lot of upkeep and what better way to keep on top of the latest fashions with a free styling. The possibilities are endless from the tight permanent wave, the beehive or even a blue rinse. You can use your points to purchase hair essentials like curlers, hair nets, the latest in medicated shampoos, or even your very own home hair drying machine. Remember ladies after all that business travel you still will want to look great for your man.
Comments